Friday, July 31, 2009


What may seem like a bit of an eye sore at a party could end up being what helps you when you need it most. Because you know these ladies are all stocked up on band-aids, neosporin, aspirin, flavored Rolaids, cough drops, the plan B pill, licorice, AA batteries, needle and thread, some buttons, a hot glue gun and glue sticks, nilla wafers, and millions of coupons. And you'll never know which one you'll need. I'd be nice to them if I were you, I bet they love it when you call them mom.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


I used to have a boss who was a complete space cadet. She was always misplacing things. She was a stingy, middle-aged, recent divorcee who referred to me as "kitten" and didn't pay me enough. Listing her as a reference is fine but, you just hope to god she hasn't been hitting the wine sauce when a future employer calls up and she starts hitting on them and chattering on about all the big wigs she knows in town.
Of all that my day was always made when she would misplace her money, and this happened often, and another co-worker would always ask her "Did you check the girls?"
And 9 times out of 10 she would look down at her cleavage and find what she was looking for.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Absolutely genuinely marvelous smiles are timeless treasures.
They are the delicious delights in the bountiful buffet of life.

He's thumbs upping alliteration.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


This housing market crisis is making the real estate industry so bizarre. Agents are getting so desperate to move some houses their willing to try to pull off some pretty corny cameo schemes like telling people The Incredible Hulk lives next door. Then the some guy in green paint comes out of the bushes.... "Roooooaaaarr, I love this neighborhood", "you can't find water out of the tap this good anywhere, rooooooaaaar".

In my opinion, I don't think it'd be all that great living next to The Incredible Hulk.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Pearly whites.

You know what's awesome? Oral health!
I heard flossing can add 5 years to your life. That's 5 extra years of drinking that Corona all the time. Sorry to get all Timmy the Tooth on you but, I think it's best to leave the bottle opening parlor tricks to possibly someone who can afford a new set of teeth or maybe to those people who have the teeth of gold.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Olding men and fashion. The only old guys I've seen pull off any new wacky haute fashion are guys like Karl Lagerfeld and David Bowie. I think if you're going to try to be all chic anywhere near 40 years of age, forget it. If you want to be stylish go for a nice colored a suit, slap on a bow tie and call it a day. Anything else that's trying to be hip just makes you look like the despereate "cool dad" that just bought a condo next to an art gallery/co-op/coffee shop/bongo studio.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Clingy people bum me out. Can't they just get a dog? Or if they need a mentor or leader that bad why don't they just become a Scientologist?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


These are the types that claim they can live in the forest.
I've spoken with people who talk about doing the primitive wilderness thing, living "off the grid" and solely surviving off of nature.
Making Jungle book or Jumanji a reality.
I've never actually known anyone to accomplish it, or maybe, they have but, have not yet returned. Maybe they are currently living in the jungle and haven't written to inform me.
I imagine it's hard to obtain a postage stamp in the wilderness, even if you do it's probably not enough but, how the hell would you know postage just went up 2 cents? Where are you going to get that other 2 cent stamp? Where's the mailbox?
This is exactly why I don't go camping.

Monday, July 20, 2009


People who prepare you with their appearance must really have it together, no dilly dallying, no mixed messages, just strait to the point this is who I am. Like translating the message "if you come over here be ready to discuss topics regarding Culture Club, Patrick Nagel, and Wham!". Not that it would be all that appalling to find a significant contrast of ones image versus their personality, it happens all the time. Though, can you imagine pow-wowing with these guys about football, stocks and power tools? It would leave you with that just ate a jelly bean that didn't taste how it looked feeling.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Having good tact is not a bit difficult. It's also terribly alarming how easy it can be to screw it up, there are those occasions where it will slip like a granny on ice. Like when I'm blabbering on about how much a bag of loony someone is and then I catch someone aggressively nodding in that persons direction. Realizing that they heard the whole thing is one of those deer in headlights moments that make you feel like a loserbean.


Don't you hate it when you think you've been a smartass, wise-crack'in, Snotty McBrat and you get home and you realize there's been a large piece of food stuck in your teeth all night.

I bet that's how she feels.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Good Shepard Rules.

If you do get that once in a lifetime opportunity to prattle on with Our Lord Jesus at a party, there are a few things you will need to keep in mind in order to walk away with a pleasant experience.

1. Don't take his photo, he turns into a cloud of glitter immediately after. This tends to be a crowd pleaser at first but, quickly leads to melancholy party guests. Everyone walks around and asks "Did you hear?... Jesus died... yeah he burst into glitter, gone just like that."

2. No fast moves. When he gets scared he nimbly flutters away like a fawn in the forest.

3. Don't offer him any red wine, he'll start sobbing and lock himself in the bathroom for hours.

4. Do not lend him your lighter or cell phone. He will not give it back even when you ask nicely.

5. Do not ask him about his dating life, especially Christina, do not get him started on Christina. It will be hours of listening to him complain about Christina and her new boyfriend, about how hard being single is, it's an absolute bore to sit through.

6. Don't offer him a ride home or give him one if he asks. He's terrible at directions, you'll be driving around all night. I kinda think he's homeless or just couch surfs.

7. Don't talk about dinosaurs.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Wow, recycling the blue lipstick from 1998 already are we? Didn't get enough MDMA, Paul Oakenfold, and PLUR then? Alright, well if you're going to do that then that gives permission to other people to bring back their favorite useless trends of yesteryear. Things such as painting your fingernails yellow and guys wearing those horrid shell and hemp necklaces. Now look at what you've done , everyone took on a minor foible that makes the whole composure look so uncomely.

Monday, July 13, 2009


Another intern joins the Law Offices of Johnston & Johnston team. She's the one we send out to low ball our expensive purchases. When everyone in the company needs new Ray-Bans, and trust me we go through those things like candy ciggarettes, we send Intern Grouchy here to get us a brand new box of Wayfarer's for a steal. In today's market it's all about finding things at cost, not at retail prices.
She goes in and gives the retailers a hissy fit until they can't take it anymore and just want to get her out of their hair. It's what we like to call the daddy's little girl approach. We've tried other ways of cutting costs but this has proven to be most efficient. One time she finagled a case of 12 bottles of 15 year Macallan for the office that only ended up costing us $15.00 and a box of Ticonderoga's.

Name calling.

Coming up with band names for some people can be extremely difficult. It's one thing if the music is atrocious, it's another when both the music and band name are in poor taste. I could care less about the hilarious story behind how you came up with your band name.
When it's awful, it's awful regardless.
There are tons of names out there that I am surprised any band with an agent let the band proceed into famedom with their names.
Limp bizkit, Puddle of Mudd, Goo Goo Dolls, The Dandy Warhols, Staind, Chumbawumba, Hoobastank, Nickelback, Katy Perry, All-American Rejects, Pink, Matchbox 20, Buckcherry, Keith Urban, Dashboard Confessional, Bubba Sparx....we could do this for days.
I think you have to be especially careful when choosing a band name, one that is correct for the band. One that is timeless, appropriate and desirable. One day it could be what carries or drowns the group.


Ha ha ha ha, someone payed money for that book.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Going to Dad's concert.

My dad is in a band called "the Beef Slough Boys", I am completely serious. He plays fiddle and some other instruments. It's folk music and they're good and I enjoy going to see them play on occasion. When people ask what you're up to for the evening and you say "going to see my dad's band play", it makes you feel kind of weird. It's different for Liv Tyler, Jakob Dylan and the Osbourne kids, everyone knows what kind of night they're in for. When I say it sometimes I get the feeling people think I'm in for a night of something more like this.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Guest Post : From Attorney Tin Tin

I used to wonder why I was always single. Now I know its because most of the people from my generation are a lot like this. The women don't care about what you have to say, they just like fancy new cameras and think to themselves "people will think I'm smart if I show up with this guy!" And as far as this dudes smarts go he's just getting into bob dylan because the whole skate fad thing is over and hocked his killer deck for that camera.... Everyone's gotta serve somebody I guess.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The I in Team.

Oh okay. Thanks for wearing your lousy jersey out. While Luke over here spent hours getting ready to come out tonight and show off his new tube dress. Then you come in stealing the show and ruining everything with your lazy jersey problem.
If you're the rural middle aged "my husband's a football fan and that makes me one too, anywhooo back to the jesus casserole" kind a gal I understand a jersey is your suppressed outlet, I'm not going to pry. When you're younger and in the city it just makes you look like a big ol'e lazy loaf.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Kid's Meal.

McDonald's has taken a big step in rebranding their company recently. The people in their advertising department know this was the way to go to really bring in a whole new demographic for a newer hipper clientele in order to stay up to date and lucrative.
The launch of the new face of McDonald's will take place soon.

He's Ron McDon.

He's bright, he's wacky, he's shown The Hamburgler how to properly apply eye liner.
He's in the "in" crowd, and he loves the ball room at all McDonald's Playland locations.
Ron McDon's favs include McSalads, strawberry shakes, and chicken nuggets.

Ron McDon says "I'm lov'in it".

Monday, July 6, 2009

Swooning and such.

I don't understand the whole Edward Cullen hype, yeah, so what I watched Twilight with a bunch of girls, it happen to be terribly comedic. We even thought the weird portrait studio, fuzz lighting was a tickle. It was also kind of unbelievable that the movie is what teenage girls are totally idolizing right now. Apparently the author of the series was trying to relay a message of abstinence, this message was so poorly fulfilled it was excruciating. Showing attractive teenagers who are almost, so close, about to do it a million times won't inform kids that it's "worth the wait". It's informing them that "when you do it, it's going to be awesome so don't worry about protection or anything else in the world."

This girl looks like she's got a phobia of vampires and
hilariously serious guys.


"Look man, we know you are super zen about everything, we get it you can fall asleep anywhere, we know, we know it's not sleep it's deep meditation. No no, we heard about your dog's chi already earlier today. Come on Matt get down from that cement pole thing we're all going to Arby's, don't you want to come and get your favorite roast beef and curly fries?"

Thursday, July 2, 2009

False advertising.

Redbull commercials always show funny wiggly line cartoons in the pleasant presence of Redbull.
He's so upset that he's not a funny wiggly line cartoon. The guy that has to sit next to him for the trip must think he's in Bummertown.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


My god has cupid struck his arrow into my eyes? Who is that boy in the front with the red hair and face that's made for preteen television? He looks like the token nerd for
"Salute Your Shorts: the post secondary college years".
It's love, I just want to take him home and converse with him about pinhole diameters and theremins for hours and then talk him into letting me be his agent so I can make millions off of making him the next Jon Heder.