Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Losing sight of the Rubric.

This photo seems like it would be a scene out of
The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Who let MTV make books?
That’s kind of like letting Michael Jordan play Baseball.
Letting Beck be a Scientologist.
Letting Yogurt make Gogurt. Letting Jimmy Falon host his own talk show. Letting Target sell a Che Guevara T-shirts, sometimes letting certain people wear Che Guevara T-shirts.
Yikes, this list could get lofty and grim fast.
Like true wallflowers, I'm sure these two have covered everything in the category but, they'll never let MTV get their smutty little hands on the manuscript.

Monday, March 30, 2009

One Pose Polly.

People think when they get their picture taken that they look good in this one pose that they saw work in a photo six years ago, so they strike that pose whenever the opportunity arises.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The beer keeper, keeper of beer.

We learn a lot in adolescence. We learn about rations and portions in social situations.
Now, I’m not certain if everyone has had this happen but, I can recall an instance where I attended what we called “a wop” which is in reference to the drink served at the party. The drink involves a large storage bin with various liquors filled up about half way in the bin to equal parts or less juice and chopped up fruit, they throw in a ladle and if they’re smart the place the bin outdoors. It’s awful, because through out the night the juice becomes contaminated with pieces of grass, tiny bugs, bobby pins, and someone’s shoe is floating around in there also it gets everywhere on you and it gets sticky. It’s a horrid idea, a wop. I suggest making a fine sangria and downsizing the invite list if you are going that route.
I attended this wop via van with a few friends when I was real young. My friends had an idea to slowly steal supplements of the wop with our $5 plastic cups and empty them out into a large container in the van while someone watched over our ever-growing master supply. At the end of the night we had kind of a lot of wop. We didn’t drink it because we were already drunk and the idea of more sounded lousy. I think we had more fun playing secret mission then we did acquiring a stupid amount of useless wop. What I thought was interesting is that we designated someone to watch over the supply in the van or I should say he designated himself, a little selfish, but smart. He choose the best role; avoid the crowds, avoid the sticky mess, avoid the busy work, sit in the van drink wop enjoy your own company for once.
This girl reminds me of that role. Sorry for the length of this post there was no other way around it, if anything it makes up for the lack of posts from the last couple of days.

And then a wee bit of faith in her role gets lost when you see her throw up little and try to hide her inebriation.

Monday, March 23, 2009


You want to go take out some cash for the bar but, something tells you it's a bad idea once you have finally located the ATM. Either you secret code could be in danger or you may get swindled into buying this guy drinks all night, neither is a favorable situation.

Friday, March 20, 2009


You need this guy at every party. Look, he knows how to set shit up, not that it is all that hard but, no one else wants to do it and he likes doing it. He's socially awkward and doesn't really want to talk to anyone. He's just happy to show up and dink around and not be at home watching Liquid Sky, putting down a bag of Bugles and a case of Zima.
What? Who doesn't love obscure references and consumables from the 90's that we understandably forgot about?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The pained.

I really have a hard time understanding these tortured soul types. Sorry you had to wait in line at the bank. Sorry Daddy didn't love you enough. Sorry you thought tinfoil would make good wallpaper. Sorry that Hot Topic/mall is terribly close to your house. If you know everything about The Cure, I'll leave you alone, that's respectable. Are these the kind of kids who's birthdays are on Halloween?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Denim Brothers

These guys will start making movies with the badassness of the Cohen Brothers but, with the budget of Mark Borchardt and Mike Schank (American Movie).

Monday, March 16, 2009


Come on, who invited the super hyper, straight edge kid? Come on he always acts way loonier and more annoying than the people who are actually drinking or doing drugs. He always stays way too late and when you try to talk to him about something like the Beastie Boys t-shirt he's wearing and he's like "Duuuude, I love Intergalactic" and I say "I love Paul's Boutique". Then, a deer in head lights look washes over his face for a second then he's asks "Where is Paul's Boutique, I love thrift stores." Because of disappointment, instead of kindly informing, him you tell him Paul's Boutique is on the corner of Flabbergast Street and Disgrace Boulevard.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Intern #2 Title: S.O.S.

Here is The first intern we hired.
And now the Law Offices of Johnston & Johnston have a new recruit. All he's got to do is get rid of the thing under his lip and we are good to go, maybe some old-timey specs. I think I'll make him Secretary of Secrets, Confidentiality Clerk. He can be the gossip intern of sorts, a fact checker. He's got an impeccable ear that can hear for miles and he's just simple enough that people feel they can instantly trust him with confidential information. He's also the guy we go to when we need to get Clandestine shit done.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


We get it, you're wacky and fun and you want the whole world to know it. On a scale of wacky from Clifford the Big Red Dog to Pee Wee Herman, You're at the Nickelodeon degree. You'll have three shots of tequila but also put down eight glasses of water and some bread to soak up the liquor. You'll jump in the pool with your clothes on, but never go skinny dipping. Hugs, not drugs. Getting caught masturbating in a movie theater, now that's WACKY!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Usually I disfavor when folks wear the t-shirts with unbearably campy sayings on them and a strong opposition to those who wear sweatpants with words across the bum. This however I can appreciate because it gives forewarning to the nature of the situation you may be walking into.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Killer Combination.

A polo shirt with cartoon pills on it. Wow. They finally made a shirt for that specific niche. It's a cross over of frat guy and new wave. It's amazing. These type of people are up for ANYTHING! You really have to be careful when hanging out with these guys because they usually are not aware that in order to get away with illegal activities, with out landing in jail, there are a few minor precautions to take. Usually these precautions do not need to be thought out or considered. Makes me think of Combos and Surge soda.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Redheaded Stoners.

My friend Tony brought over a podcast episode the other night of this show called "How stuff works". He said he wanted me to listen to the episode because the content was on redheads and I am of that breed. The show scientifically focused on how redheads are more sexually active and require more anesthesia when having surgery. These facts were supported by research and valid data. Also, a small amount of research was conducted on my own. With those two elements tossing around in a redhead why not throw in some weed to balance things out.
With that, I give you a redheaded stoner.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, day.

Shucks, looks like mom forgot to take the crusts off of the PB&J she packed.

Monday, March 2, 2009


Traumatic events in people’s lives are really unfortunate. It can affect people for the rest of their lives. Their personality, physicality, behavior, or the way they present themselves. It’s like they don’t even have the choice.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Zack Morris's character on Saved by the Bell is of Native American descent, has gotten detention for selling the school to the Japanese, and has a gambling addiction. He has always been known for being a hearthrob amongst teen girls. How is it that this guy still makes Zack Morris look like a uncomely fraidy-cat?