Monday, August 31, 2009

Contingent .

Everyone has to admit that they wait a moment or two to enjoy the scenery before telling someone that; they have food stuck in their teeth, they accidentally got blue pen all over their face, or that they have a potential snot bubble thing happening. I would hold out even a little longer to to tell someone they accidentally looked through a freshly painted silver viewfinder.


An Oscar the Grouch in the crowd putting everything on hold because he/she isn't getting their way can be such a drag. Or when the "I don't think this is such a good idea guys" attitude arises, it turns into a mission to get things up and running again. You have to send in a team of serious people to try to smooth things out. People who have been in this type of situation many times have fancy tactics or tricks of doctoring the scene.

I know of a quick-fix as well for making things all better. It's proved to be successful so far.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Ha ha look it's that personality from the movies that everyone hates.
She the one who has lines such as;

"I'm sorry I don't see you here on the list you must be thinking of somewhere else, somewhere more suitable for you people"

"you're friend can stay but, we think it's best if you leave now"

"oooooh, I'm sorry but you were two minutes late to sign up for the awesome competition"

"Well don't you look interesting tonight"


I contemplate the legal drinking age and whether or not it should be lowered, raised or terminated all together. It seems today there are young people entering rehab before they finish high school. They go through that excessive, frat boy, binge phase when they're fifteen. By the time they hit eighteen they're all leveled out like the rest of us olding people and in the "at the bar alone humming a Willie Nelson tune" set of mind.
I find myself to be more on board with a non-existent legal drinking age. It's scenes like this that make me think "let the kids drink if they want to, they're smart, they'll figure it all out"

It's scenes like this that make me understand why they have a legal drinking age set.
I have a tiny mother in me saying "absolutely not".

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


I'm notorious for leaving my empty Vitamin water bottles behind in my sister's car, multiple when I am hungover for the holidays.
I thought Vitamin Water was going for a cleaner image. Dwelling on it longer would suggest otherwise. The product's company sponsors so many different events, Vitamin water tends to get around a bit. Vitamin Water is also not all it's banged up to be. It's just all sugar, really you're only going to want to drink it if you need energy. It's still misleading for me when I'm strolling around a convenience store hungover.
Nice hat.

(I apologize for not posting yesterday, lately I've
had the writers block)

Monday, August 24, 2009


Being a night life personality must be neat. You get to dress up in wacky outfits attend tons of parties and that's what you do for a living. Sometimes they make art but, other than that they are the art. But all the while what's screaming in the back of my head is "how come you don't have to have a job and I do!!!!!". That's just me though.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Like how the captain is supposed to be the last to evacuate his ship in the event of a disaster, or a mob boss is supposed to grant any favor asked of him on the day of his daughter's wedding, etc.
I think with those unspoken rules this should be included: tan guys with ponytails can't give you attitude. No one takes them seriously anyway, they just come off as some hammy Italian bouncer stereotype who has an internet girlfriend. It's an agonizing combination of obnoxious and sad.


You can tell James coat over the shoulder Dean here really misses drag races and sock hops. I don't blame him. I went to a sock hop once, long ago, It was an event for Girl Scouts, I must have been 9 years old. I think we earned a dance badge for going. Later on I dropped out of Girl Scouts, stopped push'in the cookies, started hanging out with greasers. I know now I do not need to attend a sock hop to earn a dance badge.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Ugh.... I don't get it. Figi water comes in a square bottle, it's just water though. I admit, I've bought Figi water when I feel like basing my purchases on aesthetics. My god, am I absolutely envious of the person who came upon the idea (and is profiting from it) of "luxury water", what a gold mine.

Friday, August 14, 2009


Taking on the illegally hobby of collecting traffic signs and construction cone markers is fine, I guess. Go for it, damn the man or what have you but, have you ever seen a whole bedroom filled with his shit? Meant to be some sort of interior decoration. It's terribly alarming. I bet those people have constant night terrors about driving.

Ruinieren es für jeder.

To see the naive foreign exchange student or first time visitor to America get paired up with the cocky and biased swellhead for a guide is always a little unsettling. All you can imagine is when he goes back to Germany he tells all his friends that all the Americans are a bunch of arschlochs.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Cobracake Caption Contest Winner!

Congrats to the winner! Thank you to everyone who submitted it was a difficult decision.

There are moments when your life flashes before your eyes -- what you can remember of it anyway. Or maybe that was just this weekend. Suddenly you fixate on the one good decision you made, and take comfort in the fact that when mom arrives at the hospital at 6am and strides hissing and clucking into the room you will have nothing to fear because you wore your fucking helmet!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Don't you just hate it when in transit from a First Communion party to a Bar Mitzvah party you remember to put on the hat but forgot to take off the sash? An awkward hour goes by and you're wondering why the hell you keep getting the cold shoulder from everyone. Then when visiting the restroom you finally discover the problem and can feel the humiliation run from your head to hands but, it's there you discover where the meaning of life has been hiding.

Monday, August 10, 2009


The raver trend today is not as thriving it used to be. In attempts to revive it's reputation ravers have organized team building retreats.
At these retreats positive exercises are put into play to bring the community of raverkids even closer to their fellow candy cohorts. Exercises such as the Ecstasy Ravechain and the Trust Fall on Special K are just some of the examples. God forbid the rave movement ever diminish.

Friday, August 7, 2009


I would love to kick it for a night with some modern day Charles Dickens, Emily Dickinson, and Franz Kaftka. (It was the best I could do with matching these faces to famous authors I knew off the top of my head.) Lounge around for a night of absinthe, opium, and fine tobacco mixed with penetrating yet somewhat grim conversation. I bet they'd drum up a superb bash fest about how the literary word has been "absolutely butchered" by Twitter.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


If this is what the human version of Rainbow Bright looks like, I think I'd leap some lizards when I found out what her friend Strawberry Shortcake looks like when she rolls up in her My Little Pony.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Ode to the Charleston.

I was really hoping this stage had passed. I was hoping we were back to doing the Twist and the Mashed potato. I thought it was just a brief Footloose, don't let the kids dance naughty, kind of phase. It is really unfortunate because the Sprinkler is more of an accomplishment than this grinding dance thing, if you want to call it dance. I was wishing the next fad about to surface would be a bad ass version of waltzing, maybe a promenade/hustle, hip-hop'in jitterbug, or a superfly foxtrot. Or how about anything that doesn't say "I may or may not have an STD".


It's kinda funny how the timelessness of a DJ name is either a win or fail. There is no real way of telling. I think names like DJ Spooky and DJ Jazzy Jeff are forever gems. DJ Mom Jeans is one where you really wonder how slick it's going to be in 10 years. Luckily, most of the time, DJ's don't stick around for too long anyway.

You can put any word in the dictionary behind the letters DJ. There are no rules. It could be DJ Dictionary, even that sounds alright for a DJ name. The sticky wicket is making the DJ name sound snappy. DJ naming is such an obscurity it's either a mosey-like task or a fickle and limitless undertaking.

Thanks to the internet you don't have to put your mind at work for anything anymore, especially to come up with a DJ name. They've made generators for that.

DJ name generator.

I was DJ Salty Poof, unfortunately appropriate.

Monday, August 3, 2009


My sister had the idea of having a caption contest so I figured I'd give it a try.
Please submit your commentary or caption in the comment field below.

Rules for Submission
1. Please submit anonymously. Pseudonyms work, please don't make it obvious for me to know who you are. Thanks.

The winner will be chosen sometime next week.


I say hasn't this summer been divine so far? Nothing beats a nice cigar and fresh batch of androgyny. I think everyone likes to cap off summer that way. No layers, just whole heap of bewilderment. Like being a kid again and just wanting to bike, climb trees and build forts. You and your best friend planning to run away just for the adventure, box car children style but instead you make a time capsule.
I myself have a few of those waiting to be dug up.