Friday, May 28, 2010


My god, can we make it a law that only people with the appropriate character and decorum can wink at others.

Monday, May 24, 2010


Grey Goose has been working for months trying to figure out a way to market their product so that it gets to the people. The solution is a little too forceful and literal but, they're starting to see results. The bad news is the increase in battered tooth lawsuits.

Friday, May 21, 2010


Why do they always hire these sad looking janitors at sports arenas and convention centers? Every time I visit the restroom I feel I'm in these people's way just by being there and I am making them even more miserable than they already are. When I return to my seat I no longer want to be at the event enjoying myself, cheering on the home team for making millions to toss the ball around. I feel obligated to go back and coach the janitors through the rest of their shift, they're the real ones you need to root for.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I say, ever since Dita Von Teese and Rose McGowan clocked in goth has polished up and refined itself. If only we could introduce these kind of role models to suave up the Sublime/311 bunch.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


"Terribly embarrassing to have to ask but, which one of you is blind again?"

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Celebrating patriotism can be a beautiful thing. Though, usually when I think of patriotic attributes I don't overhear the remark "she was so scant I could almost see up her American flag." Maybe for the founding fathers that is exactly the sound of letting freedom ring.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Nothing makes a metroish-whippersnapper feel more like a viking than calling a friend to grumble about the unsuitability of the facilities at the Black-eyed-peas concert.


I don't think it's a bright idea to be operating heavy machinery while hitting the sauce but, I believe an exception should be made if she has hunted, skinned, and prepared the hide of the animal to make herself a hat. If that's the case, don't let us Yankees tell you who should be drinking and driving.

Monday, May 10, 2010


Dating a creepy person must be such a bummer. All those nights waking up to him wide awake staring at you sleeping. Reports from your friends and family receiving an absurd amount of FWD'd chain letters. Vacations to vacant lots in urban areas. Phone calls of loud breathing.
I have a feeling creepy people are incredibly less forgetful than other non-creepy people.